Stage One: Both Parties Feel Harmed If a
conflict arises but only one party feels wronged, an argument is not
likely to occur. But when both parties feel they have been wronged,
a conflict occurs. Song 5:2-6 describes a situation in which Solomon
returns home late from work to find his wife has already gone to
bed. He wants to lay with her and discuss his day with her but, in
her opinion, if he were so anxious to spend time with her, he
would've gotten himself home at a decent hour! Solomon's wife
rebuffed him and both parties felt wronged. This is the stage at
which conflict can be most easily resolved. All it takes is one mate
deciding they will not react as their mate reacted. You can respond
with the love and patience of the Spirit of God rather than the
revengeful and impatient spirit of man.
Stage Two: A Change of Heart When
conflict arises, if a resolution is to take place, someone must
experience a change of heart. In Song 5:6-8, Solomon's wife quickly
sees her mistake and immediately goes in search of Solomon. When she
went out into the street to look for him, even the watchmen would
not help her in her search. Instead, they struck and wounded her and
shamed her by taking away her veil. How was her heart changed once
she realized she had made a mistake? God changed it. Not Solomon. If
your spouse wrongs you, give God some time to work in your mate's
heart. When fearful she might lose her husband, Solomon's wife began
to dwell on all the wonderful things about him. In return, she saw
Solomon as God saw him. When that happened, she felt a desire for
renewed intimacy and closeness of communication.
Stage Three:
Reaching Out to Make Amends Once
Solomon's wife realized her mistake and went to look for Solomon,
her whole perception changed. Instead of her perceiving that
everyone she came into contact with was "out to get her" and hinder
her in her search for Solomon, people were volunteering to help her.
Her conscience was clear as she searched for Solomon to restore
their relationship. And she knew exactly where to find Solomon. Why?
Because he had an unchanging character. He was not one person one
day and another person the next. He was consistent. Solomon's bride
was reaching out to him with love and appreciation. She was prepared
to make whatever amends were necessary to maintain their
relationship.
Stage Four:
Communication Most
marital conflict stems from one of five sources: a failure to
communicate, financial difficulty, sexual difficulty, problems with
in-laws or disagreements about child rearing. And there is a reason
that failure to communicate is listed first on the list. Let me
share with you sixteen "nevers" that I believe are integral for good
communication between spouses when conflict occurs.
1. Never speak rashly
2. Never confront your mate publicly.
3. Never confront your spouse in your children's presence.
4. Never use your children in the conflict.
5. Never say "never" or "always".
6. Never resort to name-calling.
7. Never get historical.
8. Never stomp out of the room or leave.
9. Never raise your voice in anger.
10. Never bring family members into the discussion unless they are a
direct part of the problem being addressed.
11. Never win through reasoning or logic and never out-argue.
12. Never be condescending.
13. Never demean.
14. Never accuse your spouse with "you" statements.
15. Never allow an argument to begin if both of you are overly
tired, if one of you is under the influence of chemicals or if one
of you is physically ill.
16. Never touch your spouse in a harmful manner.
FOR AN IN-DEPTH
STUDY ON THESE 16 PRINCIPLES, CLICK HERE.
Stage Five:
Forgiveness As soon
as Solomon's bride found him, there was communication. When his
bride came to apologize to him, Solomon could have done two things.
He could have stood in silence while his bride apologized or he
could have lashed out at her before she could say anything, telling
her what she had done wrong. Which did he do? Neither. Instead,
Solomon greeted his wife with genuine compliments, telling her how
beautiful she was and calling her his "delight". He forgave her even
before she had a chance to ask for forgiveness.
Stage Six:
Greater Closeness and Joy There
is some truth to the statement "fighting is bad, but making up makes
it all worth it". Song 6:13 says
Return, return,
O Shulamite;
Return, return, that we may look upon you!
What would you see in the Shulamite -
As it were, the dance of the two camps?
"Shulamite" was
a nickname for the bride. It is derived from the Hebrew for Solomon,
Shlomo. Calling the bride the Shulamite implies that they were close
- so close they couldn't be separated. She was part of him. The
"dance of two camps" depicts the intimacy and joy in the aftermath
of conflict experienced by Solomon and his bride. They rejoiced as
if they were having a private party, a dance.
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CONFLICT: