Humor in the Bible


The Bible has a lot of funny verses, here's a few, emphasis mine:

"Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof" (Genesis 19:8 NIV).

"He said to Jacob, 'Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I'm exhausted.'" (Genesis 25:30 HCSB)

"But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother. What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death also" (Genesis 38:9-10 NIV).

"And it came to pass on the way, at the encampment, that the Lord met him and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone and cut off the foreskin of her son and cast it at Moses' feet, and said, "Surely you are a husband of blood to me!" So He let him go. Then she said, "You are a husband of blood!"—because of the circumcision" (Exodus 4:24-26 NKJV).

"Moses said to Pharaoh, 'I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile.' 'Tomorrow,' Pharaoh said" (Exodus 8:9-10 NIV)

"Anyone who attacks their father or mother is to be put to death" (Exodus 21:15 NIV).

"All fat belongs to the Lord" (Leviticus 3:16b HCSB).

"If the daughter of a priest defiles herself by being promiscuous, she defiles her father. She must be burned with fire" (Leviticus 21:9 CEB).

"And whoever blasphemes the name of the Lord shall surely be put to death. All the congregation shall certainly stone him, the stranger as well as him who is born in the land. When he blasphemes the name of the Lord, he shall be put to death" (Leviticus 24:16 NKJV).

"And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, 'The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: "If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!" Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won't be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, "Why did we ever leave Egypt?" (Numbers 11:18 NLT)

"Now the man Moses was very humble, more than all men who were on the face of the earth" - Written by Moses (Numbers 12:3 NKJV).

"No man who has any defect may come near: no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; 19 no man with a crippled foot or hand, 20 or who is a hunchback or a dwarf, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. 21 No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the food offerings to the Lord. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God" (Numbers 21:18-21 NIV).

"And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?" (Numbers 22:28 KJV).

"Then the LORD opened the donkey's mouth, and she said to Balaam, "What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?" Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now"" (Numbers 22:28-29 NKJV)

"Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day?" (Numbers 22:30b KJV)

"The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 33 72,000 cattle, 34 61,000 donkeys 35 and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man" (Numbers 31:32-35 NIV).

Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner..." (Deuteronomy 14:21 NIV)

"When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife" (Deuteronomy 21:10-13 NIV).

"Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death (Deuteronomy 21:17 NIV).

"If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard." Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid" (Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NIV).

"Thou shalt not see thy brother's ass..." (Deuteronomy 22:4 KJV)

"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this" (Deuteronomy 22:5 NIV).

"If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels[c] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives" (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NIV).

"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord" (Deuteronomy 23:1 NRSV).

" If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there (Deuteronomy 23:10 NIV).

"If brothers are living together and one of them dies without a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's brother shall take her and marry her and fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to her. The first son she bears shall carry on the name of the dead brother so that his name will not be blotted out from Israel. However, if a man does not want to marry his brother's wife, she shall go to the elders at the town gate and say, "My husband's brother refuses to carry on his brother's name in Israel. He will not fulfill the duty of a brother-in-law to me." Then the elders of his town shall summon him and talk to him. If he persists in saying, "I do not want to marry her," his brother's widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, "This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother's family line." That man's line shall be known in Israel as The Family of the Unsandaled (Deuteronomy 25:5-10 NIV).

"If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her" (Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NKJV).

"Then Elkanah her husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" (1 Samuel 1:8 NKJV).

"The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had hemorrhoids in their secret parts" (1 Samuel 5:9 21st Century KJV)

"Then said they, "What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him?" They answered, "Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines; for one plague was on you all and on your lords. Therefore ye shall make images of your hemorrhoids and images of your mice that mar the land, and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel. Perhaps he will lighten his hand from you and from your gods and from your land" (1 Samuel 6:4-5 21st Century KJV).

"Saul replied, "Say to David, 'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.'" Saul's plan was to have David fall by the hands of the Philistines. When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king's son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage" (1 Samuel 18:25-27 NIV).

"Therefore Hanun took David's servants, shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle, at their buttocks, and sent them away" (2 Samuel 10:4 NKJV).

"And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends" (1 Kings 16:11 KJV).

"At noon, Elijah began making fun of them. "Pray louder!" he said. "Baal must be a god. Maybe he's day-dreaming or using the toilet or traveling somewhere. Or maybe he's asleep, and you have to wake him up" (1 Kings 18:27 CEV).

"From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths" (2 Kings 2:23-24 NIV).

"The lookout reported, "He has reached them, but he isn't coming back either. The driving is like that of Jehu son of Nimshi--he drives like a madman." (2 Kings 9:20 NIV)

"He was thirty-two years old when he became king. He reigned in Jerusalem eight years and, to no one's sorrow, departed. However they buried him in the City of David, but not in the tombs of the kings" (2 Chronicles 21:20 NKJV).

"When the king's decree which he will make is proclaimed throughout all his empire (for it is great), all wives will honor their husbands, both great and small" (Esther 1:20 NKJV).

"If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom" (Job 13:5 NIV).

"My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers" Job 19:17 (NIV).

"My lover thrust his hand through the hole, and my feelings were stirred for him." (Song of Solomon 5:4 NET).

"But the commander replied, "Was it only to your master and you that my master sent me to say these things, and not to the people sitting on the wall—who, like you, will have to eat their own excrement and drink their own urine?" (Isaiah 36:12 NIV).

"Then you took your beautiful jewelry that I gave you, and you used the gold and silver to make statues of men, and you had sex with them too!" (Ezekiel 16:17 ERV).

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals—as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. This is how you assessed the obscene conduct of your youth, when the Egyptians fondled your nipples and squeezed your young breasts" (Ezekiel 23:19-21 NET).

"I will punish your descendants and splatter your faces with the manure from your festival sacrifices, and I will throw you on the manure pile (Malachi 2:3 NLT).

The book of Proverbs is also full of funny verses...

"It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife" (Proverbs 21:19 NLT).

"If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse" (Proverbs 27:14 NIV).

"A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands" (Proverbs 27:15-16 NLT).

"There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking" (Proverbs 29:20 NLT).

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly" (Proverbs 31:6 NIV).

"Gray is a crown of splendor: it is attained by a righteous life" (Proverbs 26:11 NIV).

"Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish (Proverbs 31:6 NIV).

And the list wouldn't be complete without a few from the New Testament:

"Then His disciples came and said to Him, "Do You know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?" (Matthew 15:12 NKJV)

"The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it" (Mark 11:12-14 NIV).

"A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him, 52 he fled naked, leaving his garment behind" (Mark 14:51-52 NIV).

"Then one from the crowd said to Him, "Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me" (Luke 12:13 NKJV).

"Jesus said to them, "Go, tell that fox, 'Look, I'm throwing out demons and healing people today and tomorrow, and on the third day I will complete my work" (Luke 13:32 CEB).

"For one believes he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats only vegetables" (Romans 14:2 NKJV).

"Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him?" (1 Corinthians 11:14 NKJV).


© Todd Tyszka
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